Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Texas-OU Weekend in Dallas
Just three days away from my favorite time of the year. Yes, I love this more than Christmas day, spring break and MLB's opening day.
It is almost time for the Texas-OU game at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas.
I'll probably break down the actual game sometime, but I will start off the festivities with this doosie about the weekend. I wish I could take credit for this beacause it is hilarious, and actually true (despite being a little exaggerated.)
Proper Etiquite at UT/OU Weekend
1. Secure a date. You must be discriminating. She can make or break your weekend. The attributes you seek are attractiveness, coolness and a general willingness to have multiple depravities visited upon her in a La Quinta hotel somewhere off of the interstate. She should remain smiling and cheerful as you engage in drunken brawls, vomit in her purse and lose your student ID on game day. Daughters of football coaches, chicks from small towns in West Texas, women who work with the mentally retarded and old steady girlfriends are excellent candidates for OU weekend. There’s nothing more sublime than laying your head in a girl’s lap while she holds ice to your eye and listens to your drunken rambles about how OU weekend resembles China’s Cultural Revolution, that a tiger shark could defeat a saltwater crocodile in a fight and that you would someday like to be nicknamed “Johnny Waterski.” Every now and then you should say,”Aaaah. Baby, I’m so sorry about your purse…and the fights….and for headbutting that cop’s horse in the balls…” At this point, she should sigh and pat you sympathetically. She should also smell nice.
2. The Drive. Locate a friend with an SUV. Make him drive. Serves him right, rich little bastard. Now you and your date can sit in the back, drink vodka and Gatorade, and, along with his date, make fun of his driving. The chicks must be told in no uncertain terms that no, they most certainly cannot listen to Ricky Martin or Bono and that Bob Marley and Jimmy Buffett will be just fine. You should stop in a gas station in Hillsboro and purchase beef jerky and pork rinds. Wiping your hands on your date’s hair is gauche. What do you think the upholstery is for?
3. The Drinking. Quarter pitchers at the Across the Street Bar. This establishes a steady-state baseline drunkenness that you can count on throughout the night. This is topped off with jagermeister shots. Jagermeister, though a foul cough syrup, is well documented for its ability to make you into a complete ass who believes that even the gravest of social offenses are extremely clever good fun. Fortunately for you, your drunken audience also believes this. At this point in the night, a girl from Houston Memorial named Missy or Mitzy or Traci (with an “i”) will probably become sick. Ask your date to hold her hair for her in the bathroom. It’s simple courtesy.
4. The Fighting. The guys in your group should walk from bar to bar in the West End taking up as much space on the sidewalk as possible. The OU guys coming towards you (who are doing the exact same thing) should be met head on—slipping a shoulder or saying excuse me as you stubbornly collide is bad form. When your shoulders inevitably meet both parties should act incredibly aggrieved and put upon by the arrogant bastard who bumped them. Witty repartee like “**** ***” should be exchanged. As soon as this heard a crowd will magically appear and a brawl will ensue. Girlfriends shriek, bottles are thrown, people throw ludicrous haymakers that miss by a country mile and the cops arrive in force in about a minute and a half. Then you and Cletus, the OU guy, both have to pretend you weren’t fighting while you put your arms around each others shoulder in congenial fashion. We were just wrasslin’ you explain. Our bloody noses? I don’t know. It’s pretty dry weather, officer. Do you have some chapstick? Later, you try to take a cab back to the La Quinta but you can’t remember which hotel you’re staying at. Everyone keeps bitching at your date: “Hey, I thought you were from Dallas…where are we?” Finally she confesses: “I’m from Plano alright? We never traveled past the strip mall because we might run into minorities or something. I’ve never actually been to Dallas.” The kids from Houston suburbs nod knowingly while the Austin people exhange weirded out looks. After the third hotel, and as Akbar the cab driver grows increasingly angry, you recognize a certain Denny’s and you all rejoice that you’re home. After another fifteen minutes of trying various rooms (221, 122, 121, anything with 1’s and 2’s in it) you can finally relax. After a shower, you may attempt bouncey-bouncey with your date if you’re, ahem, up to it. Passing out on top of her in flagrante delecto is considered bad manners. I personally don’t see the big deal.
5. The Game. Half the crowd in orange; half the crowd in crimson. Sooners walk around with upside down Horns and you see thousands of RV people wearing muu muu’s, suspenders and Sooner Nation t-shirts. They scream a lot but you can’t really understand them. You should sneak in a flask of Jim Beam. After the game you see Cletus, the fightin’ Sooner from the West End, and you both greet each other as long lost pals. He’s staying at the La Quinta too. Y’all hang out that night and he’s a great guy. Pity you had punch him for deciding to go to OU.
It is almost time for the Texas-OU game at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas.
I'll probably break down the actual game sometime, but I will start off the festivities with this doosie about the weekend. I wish I could take credit for this beacause it is hilarious, and actually true (despite being a little exaggerated.)
Proper Etiquite at UT/OU Weekend
1. Secure a date. You must be discriminating. She can make or break your weekend. The attributes you seek are attractiveness, coolness and a general willingness to have multiple depravities visited upon her in a La Quinta hotel somewhere off of the interstate. She should remain smiling and cheerful as you engage in drunken brawls, vomit in her purse and lose your student ID on game day. Daughters of football coaches, chicks from small towns in West Texas, women who work with the mentally retarded and old steady girlfriends are excellent candidates for OU weekend. There’s nothing more sublime than laying your head in a girl’s lap while she holds ice to your eye and listens to your drunken rambles about how OU weekend resembles China’s Cultural Revolution, that a tiger shark could defeat a saltwater crocodile in a fight and that you would someday like to be nicknamed “Johnny Waterski.” Every now and then you should say,”Aaaah. Baby, I’m so sorry about your purse…and the fights….and for headbutting that cop’s horse in the balls…” At this point, she should sigh and pat you sympathetically. She should also smell nice.
2. The Drive. Locate a friend with an SUV. Make him drive. Serves him right, rich little bastard. Now you and your date can sit in the back, drink vodka and Gatorade, and, along with his date, make fun of his driving. The chicks must be told in no uncertain terms that no, they most certainly cannot listen to Ricky Martin or Bono and that Bob Marley and Jimmy Buffett will be just fine. You should stop in a gas station in Hillsboro and purchase beef jerky and pork rinds. Wiping your hands on your date’s hair is gauche. What do you think the upholstery is for?
3. The Drinking. Quarter pitchers at the Across the Street Bar. This establishes a steady-state baseline drunkenness that you can count on throughout the night. This is topped off with jagermeister shots. Jagermeister, though a foul cough syrup, is well documented for its ability to make you into a complete ass who believes that even the gravest of social offenses are extremely clever good fun. Fortunately for you, your drunken audience also believes this. At this point in the night, a girl from Houston Memorial named Missy or Mitzy or Traci (with an “i”) will probably become sick. Ask your date to hold her hair for her in the bathroom. It’s simple courtesy.
4. The Fighting. The guys in your group should walk from bar to bar in the West End taking up as much space on the sidewalk as possible. The OU guys coming towards you (who are doing the exact same thing) should be met head on—slipping a shoulder or saying excuse me as you stubbornly collide is bad form. When your shoulders inevitably meet both parties should act incredibly aggrieved and put upon by the arrogant bastard who bumped them. Witty repartee like “**** ***” should be exchanged. As soon as this heard a crowd will magically appear and a brawl will ensue. Girlfriends shriek, bottles are thrown, people throw ludicrous haymakers that miss by a country mile and the cops arrive in force in about a minute and a half. Then you and Cletus, the OU guy, both have to pretend you weren’t fighting while you put your arms around each others shoulder in congenial fashion. We were just wrasslin’ you explain. Our bloody noses? I don’t know. It’s pretty dry weather, officer. Do you have some chapstick? Later, you try to take a cab back to the La Quinta but you can’t remember which hotel you’re staying at. Everyone keeps bitching at your date: “Hey, I thought you were from Dallas…where are we?” Finally she confesses: “I’m from Plano alright? We never traveled past the strip mall because we might run into minorities or something. I’ve never actually been to Dallas.” The kids from Houston suburbs nod knowingly while the Austin people exhange weirded out looks. After the third hotel, and as Akbar the cab driver grows increasingly angry, you recognize a certain Denny’s and you all rejoice that you’re home. After another fifteen minutes of trying various rooms (221, 122, 121, anything with 1’s and 2’s in it) you can finally relax. After a shower, you may attempt bouncey-bouncey with your date if you’re, ahem, up to it. Passing out on top of her in flagrante delecto is considered bad manners. I personally don’t see the big deal.
5. The Game. Half the crowd in orange; half the crowd in crimson. Sooners walk around with upside down Horns and you see thousands of RV people wearing muu muu’s, suspenders and Sooner Nation t-shirts. They scream a lot but you can’t really understand them. You should sneak in a flask of Jim Beam. After the game you see Cletus, the fightin’ Sooner from the West End, and you both greet each other as long lost pals. He’s staying at the La Quinta too. Y’all hang out that night and he’s a great guy. Pity you had punch him for deciding to go to OU.
Major League Division Series Preview
By: Adam Bielamowicz
October has arrived. The air will be getting colder (at least in most of the country), the leaves will be changing and, most importantly, the MLB playoffs, which get underway in New York today, are here.
This year’s version of the postseason looks to be one of the most interesting in years. In the American League there are some familiar faces such as the New York Yankees, and some newcomers to the playoff scene, like the Detroit Tigers. Will the newcomers shock the nation, or will postseason experience be the key to advancing to the Fall Classic?
In the National League, the New York Mets have been by far the best team in the league, but have been on cruise control since clinching the division nearly two weeks ago. Will the Mets continue to dominate despite sleepwalking through the last two weeks, or will one of the NL West teams that have been playing great baseball as of late continue their hot streaks throughout the postseason? Here are the breakdowns of all four Division Series matchups, with predictions of who will advance to the Championship Series.
Detroit Tigers vs. New York Yankees
This matchup pits a veteran Yankees squad that has advanced to the postseason every year since 1995 against a young Tigers team that has been struggling as of late, losing five in a row and losing the top spot in the AL Central.
Facing the Yankees in the first round may seem like an insurmountable task for Detroit, but they are not quite as young a team as you would thing; four players in the starting lineup have playoff experience, including C Ivan Rodriguez and 1B Sean Casey, as well as starting pitcher Kenny Rogers. Add to the fact that the Yankees starting rotation has been shaky all year, and you see the potential for the Tigers to put some runs on the board.
However, the key to this series is how well the Tigers’ rotation can hold up against the Yankees’ All-World lineup, which is finally healthy. Three of Detroit’s starters, Nate Robertson, Jeremy Bonderman and Justin Verlander have no playoff experience. It would be a long shot to see them last against possibly the best offensive lineup ever, which includes Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, Bobby Abreu, Johnny Damon, Jason Giambi and several other All-Stars in their starting lineup.
This could be one of the few playoff series that could be decided offensively rather than with pitching. Look for the Yankees to outscore the Tigers in this one and take this series in four.
Oakland Athletics vs. Minnesota Twins
This intriguing series will be a battle between teams with payrolls in the bottom half of MLB, an anomaly in a league where the more you spend usually translates to the more you win. Add to this the fact that neither of these teams has advanced past the first round recently, and you start to see how competitive this one will be.
Both team’s starting rotations are top heavy, with Barry Zito leading the A’s and Johan Santana being the ace in the Twins’ staff. They take a step down after that, with Dan Haren and Boof Bonser having holding the number two spots in their respective teams’ rotations. The aces on the staffs must pitch well in game one to set an example for the rest of the pitching staff.
Offensively, the Twins look to have a much better lineup than the A’s. Torii Hunter and Justin Morneau have both been swinging hot bats for the Twins, and Joe Mauer finished the season with a .347 average. The A’s did not have a single player in their starting lineup hit over .300.
Watch for Santana to throw a spectacular game one on Wednesday to give the Twins momentum. It will be a hard fought series, but the raucous Metrodome home-field advantage and the magic of the Homer Hankie will carry the Twins to a win in five games.
Los Angeles Dodgers vs. New York Mets
This series is a tale of two entirely different teams. The Dodgers are the hottest team in baseball, having won nine of their last ten games to earn the NL Wild Card. The Mets, while they have not played horribly, have not played a meaningful game since clinching the NL East on Sept. 19.
The Mets will be without staff ace Pedro Martinez, and number two starter Tom Glavine’s health is also in question. Meanwhile, the Dodgers’ staff is solid, with Derek Lowe, Greg Maddux and Brad Penny pitching solid for Los Angeles as of late.
Offensively, the Mets look to put up some big numbers on the back of David Wright, Carlos Beltran, Carlos Delgado and Jose Reyes. The Dodgers have been hitting the ball well as of late with J.D. Drew finishing the season with 100 RBIs and Nomar Garciaparra looking more like the Nomar from Boston every day.
Common sense would tell me to take the Mets, who won 97 games this year. However they have cooled down as of late, going 9-11 in their last 20 games. The Dodgers, meanwhile, have won 13 games during the same stretch. Los Angeles’ pitching stacks up well against the Mets’ lineup, and they will derail all hopes for a subway series by upsetting the Mets in five games.
St. Louis Cardinals vs. San Diego Padres
This is another case of one team that is streaking and one team that is reeling. The Padres, under intense pressure from the Dodgers, won 8 of their last 10 games to win the NL West. The Cardinals, meanwhile, went 9-16 in their last 25 games and barely were able to hold off the Houston Astros to win the NL Central.
On paper, the Cardinals look to be the better team, with Albert Pujols’ presence in the lineup and Chris Carpenter vying for the Cy Young award this season. However, the Cardinals have not been performing well as of late, with the starting rotation blowing up during their last month and the offense failing to perform as well.
The Padres, meanwhile, have a solid starting rotation with Jake Peavy, Chris Young and Woody Williams, despite having an offense that does not pack much punch. This should give them an advantage with home field advantage in the friendly confines of Petco Park.
The Cardinals have not been playing good ball lately, and they are 34-47 on the road this season. With the Padres having home field advantage, they look to be the favorites in this series. They should win this one in four games.
October has arrived. The air will be getting colder (at least in most of the country), the leaves will be changing and, most importantly, the MLB playoffs, which get underway in New York today, are here.
This year’s version of the postseason looks to be one of the most interesting in years. In the American League there are some familiar faces such as the New York Yankees, and some newcomers to the playoff scene, like the Detroit Tigers. Will the newcomers shock the nation, or will postseason experience be the key to advancing to the Fall Classic?
In the National League, the New York Mets have been by far the best team in the league, but have been on cruise control since clinching the division nearly two weeks ago. Will the Mets continue to dominate despite sleepwalking through the last two weeks, or will one of the NL West teams that have been playing great baseball as of late continue their hot streaks throughout the postseason? Here are the breakdowns of all four Division Series matchups, with predictions of who will advance to the Championship Series.
Detroit Tigers vs. New York Yankees
This matchup pits a veteran Yankees squad that has advanced to the postseason every year since 1995 against a young Tigers team that has been struggling as of late, losing five in a row and losing the top spot in the AL Central.
Facing the Yankees in the first round may seem like an insurmountable task for Detroit, but they are not quite as young a team as you would thing; four players in the starting lineup have playoff experience, including C Ivan Rodriguez and 1B Sean Casey, as well as starting pitcher Kenny Rogers. Add to the fact that the Yankees starting rotation has been shaky all year, and you see the potential for the Tigers to put some runs on the board.
However, the key to this series is how well the Tigers’ rotation can hold up against the Yankees’ All-World lineup, which is finally healthy. Three of Detroit’s starters, Nate Robertson, Jeremy Bonderman and Justin Verlander have no playoff experience. It would be a long shot to see them last against possibly the best offensive lineup ever, which includes Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, Bobby Abreu, Johnny Damon, Jason Giambi and several other All-Stars in their starting lineup.
This could be one of the few playoff series that could be decided offensively rather than with pitching. Look for the Yankees to outscore the Tigers in this one and take this series in four.
Oakland Athletics vs. Minnesota Twins
This intriguing series will be a battle between teams with payrolls in the bottom half of MLB, an anomaly in a league where the more you spend usually translates to the more you win. Add to this the fact that neither of these teams has advanced past the first round recently, and you start to see how competitive this one will be.
Both team’s starting rotations are top heavy, with Barry Zito leading the A’s and Johan Santana being the ace in the Twins’ staff. They take a step down after that, with Dan Haren and Boof Bonser having holding the number two spots in their respective teams’ rotations. The aces on the staffs must pitch well in game one to set an example for the rest of the pitching staff.
Offensively, the Twins look to have a much better lineup than the A’s. Torii Hunter and Justin Morneau have both been swinging hot bats for the Twins, and Joe Mauer finished the season with a .347 average. The A’s did not have a single player in their starting lineup hit over .300.
Watch for Santana to throw a spectacular game one on Wednesday to give the Twins momentum. It will be a hard fought series, but the raucous Metrodome home-field advantage and the magic of the Homer Hankie will carry the Twins to a win in five games.
Los Angeles Dodgers vs. New York Mets
This series is a tale of two entirely different teams. The Dodgers are the hottest team in baseball, having won nine of their last ten games to earn the NL Wild Card. The Mets, while they have not played horribly, have not played a meaningful game since clinching the NL East on Sept. 19.
The Mets will be without staff ace Pedro Martinez, and number two starter Tom Glavine’s health is also in question. Meanwhile, the Dodgers’ staff is solid, with Derek Lowe, Greg Maddux and Brad Penny pitching solid for Los Angeles as of late.
Offensively, the Mets look to put up some big numbers on the back of David Wright, Carlos Beltran, Carlos Delgado and Jose Reyes. The Dodgers have been hitting the ball well as of late with J.D. Drew finishing the season with 100 RBIs and Nomar Garciaparra looking more like the Nomar from Boston every day.
Common sense would tell me to take the Mets, who won 97 games this year. However they have cooled down as of late, going 9-11 in their last 20 games. The Dodgers, meanwhile, have won 13 games during the same stretch. Los Angeles’ pitching stacks up well against the Mets’ lineup, and they will derail all hopes for a subway series by upsetting the Mets in five games.
St. Louis Cardinals vs. San Diego Padres
This is another case of one team that is streaking and one team that is reeling. The Padres, under intense pressure from the Dodgers, won 8 of their last 10 games to win the NL West. The Cardinals, meanwhile, went 9-16 in their last 25 games and barely were able to hold off the Houston Astros to win the NL Central.
On paper, the Cardinals look to be the better team, with Albert Pujols’ presence in the lineup and Chris Carpenter vying for the Cy Young award this season. However, the Cardinals have not been performing well as of late, with the starting rotation blowing up during their last month and the offense failing to perform as well.
The Padres, meanwhile, have a solid starting rotation with Jake Peavy, Chris Young and Woody Williams, despite having an offense that does not pack much punch. This should give them an advantage with home field advantage in the friendly confines of Petco Park.
The Cardinals have not been playing good ball lately, and they are 34-47 on the road this season. With the Padres having home field advantage, they look to be the favorites in this series. They should win this one in four games.
